This may sound crazy to some but hopefully there are people who understand. When you really love someone, truly love someone, you do miss them when they are away. They could be running errands or even in the next room, but you just miss them. My ex and I have a “unique” relationship and simply holding her hand means everything to me. Seeing her smile makes my heart melt. Talking to her at 5:30 in the morning doesn’t matter because I get to talk to her. I don’t get to see her much anymore but despite the distance I feel in my soul that she is my better half. I wish that things were different.
Do you know how hard it is to love someone and have them love you back and not be able to touch them? To simply hold their hand. To caress their face. Yet despite all that you love just sitting with them talking.
The Reality of the Situation
I like to think of myself as a very honest person who knows the difference between right and wrong. However; When my ex and I got together she was married. After she and I got together, 6 months later we broke up ( Karma for sure), then she got with someone, and there she and I were again. Then they split up and she ended up getting together with someone else and here we are again in the same situation. Mind you, we haven’t slept together since she’s been with this new person. It is not a physical thing, this is very much an emotional relationship. I’ve been single every single time. It is very hard to see her and talk to her and not be able to have any sort of physical connection, and I’m not talking about sex, but to at least hold her hand, caress her face, or hold her hand. It hurts that this has been our situation for almost three years but I knowingly put myself in this situation.
The thing is that now, I am getting fed up with the situation, I don’t love her any less, in fact, I think I love her more; BUT the reality is that I hate feeling alone, I hate feeling second best, I hate feeling like I am always going to be on the sidelines. So I have a friend whom I ended up sleeping with and my ex found out and now is extremely upset. Undoubtedly, my ex is a very selfish person, that isn’t even the question. This can be seen a mile away. I just need input from someone who is just as selfish as her. I need to understand her mentality because I’m the type of person who needs to understand where someone is coming from.
I am simply tired of everything. I try my best to have a positive outlook and to show people a positive side and that just doesnt seem to matter. Its hard to maintain a positive outlook when everything seems to be going to shit. Its hard to be positive when you cannot be with the one you love. Its hard feeling this way and not getting yourself out of it.
I think this is what best describes how i feel right now. Im so tired of trying to be what everyone wants me to be. I dont even know what I want to be.
The worst thing is to love each other so much and not be with each other.
I always let my actions speak louder than my words.