Hurt and pain
Have you ever loved someone that it hurt so much to not be together. I honestly never thought it hurt, never realized how much love hurts. Well not love, love is a wonderful thing. Love is like a beautiful drug that has the power to erase your pain, has the power uplift you from a horrible situation. Love has the ability to make you look at anything in a positive manner. The pain part, you know the part where we say love hurts, well that comes from not being loved by the one person you would give everything for. That’s pain, that’s hurt. To see that the person you love with all your heart, loves another person. What’s worst than that is having to hear from the one you love talk about the one they love. I stand all that, not because I don’t think I deserve better, I know I deserve better……it’s just that I don’t feel complete when she’s not with me.
It’s hard to love someone you can’t have. To love someone that doesn’t love you. To love someone who loves someone else. It’s difficult to be around you and not hug you. To be around you and not kiss you. To be around you and not caress your hand. Im not a very affectionate person, but with her, all I want to do is be affectionate. Damn what position am I in. It’s the worst kinda of pain. It’s a pain that kills you slowly.
Came to a realization today. I’m deeply in love with this girl whom just drives me crazy, in a good and bad way. The bad thing is this girl loves someone else and also claims to love me. I have been willing to let go of a lot of things for this girl, have been willing to wait, but at the end of it all we BOTH make an excuse about why we cant be together now. The fact that my family doesn’t like her, the fact that I won’t leave my brother to just be with her, the fact that she’s in love with someone else, that this other person has none of the hurdles I have. I believed, damn she’s right, my life isn’t together yet to offer her and her son the life they much deserve BUT at the end of the day I don’t want to make excuses. No matter what the excuses we are using now will be there later, and in the mean time, time has passed us. Opportunities have come and gone and I’m still missing the one I love.
Loving someone from a far.
One of the worst feelings is to love someone whom you cant be with. To love this person so deeply that it hurts. I never knew I could feel this way about anyone. I would absolutely do anything for this woman, would give my life up just for her. Too bad that the circumstances are not right at the moment for us to be together. It’s awful that all I want to do is be with her, hug her, kiss her, just look at her. To others, she’s grouchy, selfish, dominating, bitchy…… But to me she is just such an amazing person, a person who deserves to have the world given to her.
I don’t know why it always gets to me when a couple breaks up and one person jumps into another committed relationship in less than a month. Like damn, at least let the sheets cool down before u bring someone else. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me.
"I like having two relationships! I cant help it. It works for me and I like it. I’ve always had that"…….. Alright girl u go do that. Find someone else that will put up with your shit. Cuz now I need to make my momma proud and not go back with ur ass. Friends, cool. Acquaintances, cool. Every once in awhile ask how we are, cool. Being the number #2. Never again……I know at this point ur judging me for being number #2, and there’s no excuse, but u just dont know my ex, convincing, sweet talker. This wasnt even about sex. I seriously don’t get anything in return out of her. It was seriously just cuz I loved her.
I don’t think I have ever met someone as selfish as my ex. And for that matter, someone so stupid as myself. Settling for that little attention, second best, if that. Shows you just how much I think I deserve for myself. It’s sad to think really that I really dont care about myself when I keep sticking around for something that has been proven to never happen. I simply can’t allow that any longer. I can’t allow her to have any say over my life when she’s at home playing housewife to someone else. I really really really need to stop.
If you won’t be here for the bad then don’t expect to be here for the good.
I’ve lost my mother. It is one of the worst pain one can ever feel. She suffered so much and I know she’s in a better place BUT I miss her. I’m selfish for wanting her here. No one will ever love me like my mother. No one will ever listen to me without judgement like my mother. I will no longer be someone’s little girl. I used to come home and just lay with her, but now there is just an empty room. I hold so much anger, hurt, sadness and resentment.